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  • anhsp Hi, still looking for anyone active out there before I post a long message.? My story is very similar to Splitter - could use some advice, but I don't want to post if no one is out there. 4 years ago   *   17 replies
    • crossreeds Hi! I believe i know EXACTLY who's story you're referring to because it's basically mine too. If you want to check out my original post/other posts, you're welcome to do so...And feel free to let me know if you'd like to talk. I haven't posted much on here in a while since it's turned into nothing but dumb ads for spell-casters! Anyways....i'm here if you need to chat! 4 years ago
      • michelle12345 Hi! I just joined this site. Havent seen Splitter's post, but did read CROSSREEDS post and have a similar story, so I'm guessing ANHSP is similar too? Would love to chat with others in similar situations. 4 years ago
        • crossreeds Hi! It's me! I'm happy to chat if you'd like. Either or both of you! If you've read my posts, you'll know my story. It's not an easy was/is quite agonizing to say the least. If i can be of any input, just let me know. <3 4 years ago
          • anhsp Hi Crossreeds, I just read your original post and my situation is very similar - I'm married for what will be 17 years this year to a good man. We have 2 children together, but when I think back, there was never a strong (if any) sexual desire on my part. I always knew it was an issue, but I also thought it was me. When I originally married him, I was having doubts because of this issue, but I thought those feelings would come as we started our lives together. Unfortunately, it never did. Fast forward 10 years, and I realized that its not me, it was just never there from the beginning. I have talked to my husband about my feelings as I had to put everything on the table - I just couldn't keep it in any longer - I recently met this man I am wildly attracted to and it brought out these sexual feelings in me that have been missing for so long. Nothing has happened with this other guy yet, as I was just getting to know him on a friendly basis, but I feel so bad for my husband. I wish I could have theses feelings for him, but I can't....I have tried to see if there was anything there, but there's not on my end. You are correct in saying that its either there or it isn't. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms right now and are basically living as roommates. I would love to start dating this other person to see if there is anything there beyond the physical. I don't know him well enough yet to determine that. How do I tell my husband this? I can't live like this anymore - its an awful situation because he is a good father and a decent man. 4 years ago
            • crossreeds Ohhh ANHSP, how i can relate to this.. I know all too well how difficult this type of situation can be ...and the guilt....oh the guilt! I think it's good thing that you told your husband how you felt/that you were honest. I have attempted several times to have a similar conversation with my husband regarding my feelings. He is aware that i have a lot of uncertainty about what i want... he knows to a degree that i have really shut down emotionally over the past few years....all of this sort of began after my father passed away five years ago, although the lack of physical attraction/lack of romantic connection has been missing for me from the start. As i explained in my previous posts, i didn't realize to what degree i wasn't attracted/what was missing for me until i became involved with someone else two years ago. After that, it ALL made sense. I have agonized over making a decision (to stay or go) for nearly that long as well. I have had to try REALLY hard to not factor in the relationship with the other guy as to whether or not i stay or he has his own very complex situation and i honestly don't know what will happen---i have tried numerous times to break things off with him for good.....but we always seem to find our way back to each other. This being said, i would strongly discourage getting heavily involved with anyone else until you have some real clarity your situation....or are at the point of separation, because it makes a really hard situation EVEN harder, as you have another person's feelings to take into account also. Currently, i am still with my husband under the same roof, but very disconnected. We too sleep in separate rooms (for several months now)....we communicate at the bare minimum .as i said i have tried to take a break/end things with the other guy to "focus on my marriage" to no avail. Just when i think things can/are/will get better at's as though i have a panic attack and get completely repulsed by the thought of ever being physical with him again. I feel that i am much closer to leaving than staying, at this point in time. He is such a good man, and always will be. I do have fears that i may regret leaving....but i just don't feel like i can go on the rest of my life with no romantic connection. My best advice is just to continue to try to be honest with your husband and really take your time and think...and feel your way through this..i'm still navigating it myself, but i am here if you continue to need an ear. Xoxo! 4 years ago
            • anhsp Hi Crossreeds, Well, my husband has started "actively" looking for apartments to move out. We talked about this over the past several months and I thought I was ready & it would be worth a try as it would "make or break us". However, now that its getting more real, I am full of anxiety and cry every time its brought up. I don't know if I'm just panicking now that it really might happen, or if I really don't want him to leave. One day I think a trial separation would be good, and another day, I'm scared to death. I love my husband, but I don't think we can have a sexual relationship, and he nor I doesn't deserve that. Maybe it's the kids that I'm worried about - what will this do to them? I know everyone says kids are resilient and I'm sure that's true, but it's so hard. Maybe I'm afraid of not finding someone else with all the good qualities my husband 4 years ago
            • crossreeds Gosh i am so sorry! And i know the feeling, i too feel a lot of anxiety the more real it gets for me! I had a minor panic attack the other day while researching the divorce paperwork process online...i had to shut down and log off for a day or two and get myself re-centered again. While we don't have children, i can imagine that also can't be easy! I agree that kids are pretty resilient in most cases and really fare much better in a positive, loving environment rather than one full of strife and unhappiness. I, myself, can actually attest to that---my parents argued and bickered constantly as long as i can remember (and even separated a few times) while i was growing up. They were very unhappy together, but stayed together for my sister and me. Sometimes, i almost wish they had gone their separate ways and found true happiness....because i can tell you it profoundly affected me and is probably much of the reason i am in the position i am today. Not to play the victim card....because i know i am responsible for myself. I have had to do a lot of self-work (and continue to)! How old are your kids? Maybe doing some research on how to gently approach this with them would be ideal. This is all not to say that you have to do anything you don't feel right about! Every individual and every family is different. Hope this helps some! 4 years ago
            • anhsp Hi, Thank You for responding - this situation is so hard - does your husband know you are seeing someone else and if so, how is he dealing with it? Did you talk with your husband about divorce or are you just researching it yourself? What is his reaction to your living situation? 4 years ago
            • crossreeds Ohh no, he has no idea about the other guy. I wish we had the kind of relationship where i could tell him, but there is just NO way i could ever do that. I considered it at one point, but he honestly couldn't handle it and i just can't hurt him that badly....i feel like my leaving him would be traumatic enough. I feel like we both would be way better off for me to just get out than for me to spill the beans/ humiliate him in that way. The other man also has a family (&a complicated situation) and i just couldn't expose him like that/hurt him either. So i don't really have any other choice than to keep quiet about the other relationship. And i don't really know what the future holds for it i said, things are quire complicated for him too....but we do love and care for each other very much and have an outstanding connection. Definitely makes things a lot harder for me. I have had several serious talks with my husband, and he took things better than i thought he would. A couple of years ago, he would get upset and extremely defensive at any type of major argument. But now, i guess you could say that we do communicate better somewhat. He isn't happy about my uncertainty, obviously....but says that he will move out if i decide that's what i really want. I really wish there was some way i could make myself desire him....and have the same connection with him that i do with the other guy....but i am rather certain i can't... I just hate this being a deal-breaker for me, because i am like you -and honestly wonder if i would ever find someone as good as him. 4 years ago
            • anhsp Hi, I know the feeling about being scared that you won't find someone else - my husband is a really good man, but this lack of physical intimacy is killing me - he said he would get an apartment as a trial separation for 6 months or so, but my problem is that I know that once everything is back to normal with this damn corona-virus and I start to run into that other guy I was telling you about, I KNOW that if he were to ask me out, I would definitely want to go out with him....I'm afraid to approach my husband about the possibility of seeing other people while separated - I really don't think he will go for it at all...but I feel that if I don't do this, I will always regret it - on the other hand, being that I don't know this other guy very well, it could be not what I'm making it out to be and then everything goes to hell. My husband is a good man, but I also don't see myself ever being intimate with him again. He's kind of waiting on me to make the final decision about the separation - I'm 70 / 30 for and against. Ugh, I'm so frustrated. 4 years ago
            • crossreeds Girl i hear you and understand COMPLETELY...all of it! It's been a really tough couple of days for me too. Here i am stuck with the possibility of divorce once the friggin corona virus is over....then last night my guy drops the bomb on me that he is struggling with continuing in this relationship....i am heartbroken...but i kinda saw it coming too. He has been really fickle over the past month or so (since he has been working out of his home office) and is obviously spending more time around his family/kids. He and i have been in good communication, but haven't seen each other much. He told me last night that he feels bad about it and feels like he just can't give me the same attention that i deserve and is feeling like he needs to focus more on his kids. It's really frustrating and week he is all about me and then the next i feel like he is pushing me away. I so have empathy for his home/kids situation and i have expressed this to him. He just seems very confused at times (even though he tells me all the time how much he loves me)....i don't really know what to do about this right now other than just give him some space--which is what i just said to him in a message. Sigh! Honestly don't know what else to do......i love him dearly and he has been the catalyst in this whole ordeal for me...he woke me up to everything that has been missing in my marriage. But i am not the kind of person that will try to convince anyone of anything they aren't comfortable with. Anyways....sorry for the long post! All of this being said....definitely be leery and slow to get involved with anyone else, because it makes things SO much harder! I had no intentions of this relationship going anywhere in the beginning....but it evolved into something very meaningful. Sometimes i wish i had really stuck with calling off earlier on. Again, I'm really sorry....and i know exactly how yo are feeling! 4 years ago
            • anhsp Oh Crossreeds, I'm sorry - that's hard to hear...time will tell as to what's going to happen - with him being home more and when kids are involved, I'm sure its more difficult. I don't know how old his kids are, but it definitely complicates things. Giving him some space is the best thing you can do - as difficult as it is - good luck. With my situation, I found myself becoming very frustrated over the weekend with my situation - I was very distant and my husband picked up on my attitude and said he was going to call and rent the apartment I was telling you about in a prior conversation. I am upset about it, but also there's a part of me that feels relieved too - my feelings change day to day. We haven't mentioned anything to the kids about it yet - ugh... I'll keep you posted...kind of in limbo now with everything. 4 years ago
            • crossreeds Aw, gosh i know the feelings are all over the place too....i am kinda on edge with the whole ordeal with my guy...on top of the stress of what's next for my marriage. Definitely not easy. My guy is speaking to me again and seems like his spirits have lifted a little bit. But i am just leaning back and letting him come to me if he wants to communicate. It seems to be working well for now. Just kinda nerve-racking because he has been super fickle lately....and prior to the quarantine, he was never like this! I was ALWAYS the one who would come up freaked out from time to time and telling him "i can't do this". His kids are actually grown pretty much, but they both live nearby and he is very close with them. I honestly don't know what will happen but i do know that this "scare" over the past few days has definitely brought up some strong emotions in me and made me realize how much i do love him. I told him i just want him to be happy- no matter what. He's a great man also and i huge part of me wants to see us together in a real relationship someday. But at this time i have to try to keep my focus on my marriage and what's next there. Maybe a trial separation for you guys will be a good thing and provide you with more clarity. I have thought a lot about doing the same thing....but in my case idk how long i could do it....i feel like i will be prolonging the inevitable in a way and just dragging out the hurt on his end especially. If your husband is open to one, i would say maybe give it a go. Keep me posted! Xo! 4 years ago
        • anhsp Hi Michelle12345 - same message for you as Crossreeds. I will be posting soon - thank you for reaching out - hopefully we can be helpful to each other as we tell our stories. 4 years ago
        • anhsp Hi Michelle12345 - are you still active on this site? Still looking to chat? 4 years ago
      • anhsp Hi CrossReeds, I'm sorry , I haven't been on and didn't see your post, but yes, I would love to keep chatting. I am new to this site and am still trying to navigate it. I appreciate you reaching out - I was losing hope that there was anyone still out there. I'm at work, but I will be posting soon. 4 years ago
        • TDOG hi there. the site got nailed with a virus...... but it's back now. hope you are doing ok!!!! 4 years ago
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